Happy Birthday Darling

By Thursday, May 31, 2012 0 Permalink

It was my boyfriend's birthday yesterday. I knew it was coming. I warned some friends. They were subtle and didn't mention it, but casually dropped me an email or text more often than usual. In the end I was fine. Revising for some exams is keeping me more than occupied and I feel that it is his positivity that is keeping me focused and motivated at this stressful time. As I am not one for self discipline,  so I feel sure that this is what it must be. I have mentioned before that grief creeps up on you or jumps out at the most bizarre times. Of course I sat and chewed the end of my pen for a moment and remembered that last year I took him to the Ivy for a charming birthday surprise which we both enjoyed, and I pondered what I might have surprised him with this year. It feels odd that I ...

“Time heals what reason cannot…”

Nothing like a bit of Roman philosophy to answer all life's questions... Though I am not sure even Seneca's wise words can ease the turmoil created by bereavement. It is nearly a year since I lost my mother and I can in all honesty say that the heartache is worse now than it has ever been. Default look seems to be a bit lost, and deep in thought like this photo my partner took of me. The initial shock and horror at realising I was so alone was at that time immediately knocked aside by the many and varied tasks that ensue from death. Probate matters, funeral arrangements and all the sad tasks which constitute 'tying up affairs' truly took care of my day to day existence. My character means I love paperwork and order so this was no difficult chore. When at last these seem to come to an end, what is ...

‘Memory, is the diary that we all carry about with us’…

All very well Mr Wilde, but memories fade, get twisted or forgotten. How I took for granted chatting with Mama about my childhood and Papa only to realise that when she too died, I was suddenly left as the sole curator of this vast archive of facts, dates, names and events. How many times we children roll our eyes when a parent starts recounting an anecdote we have heard a thousand times or tells us a story of people we have never heard of and we take no notice. I started a diary the day my mother died, the minute it happened in fact. Odd I know but I was horrified to think for one minute that I might start forgetting things or feelings as I did when my father had died four years earlier. The horrors of death obviously take precedence in the mind when you lose someone in unfortunate ...

Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics

Time heals. Grief subsides. It hurts less. Bla Bla Bla.... There are days when the grief of losing one's parents feels so all consuming and raw that it is hard to ever imagine a time when it would not feel like that. Time actually makes it worse. Grief merely takes on a different form. And it never truly stops hurting. All that actually happens is people around you forget, or the time passing seems to lessen the rawness of the ordeal in their eyes. You feel weak for bringing the topic up. When meeting new people it seems less and less important or relevant to even mention the fact. At an interview recently I felt almost ridiculous for mentioning the fact one of my parents died last year. I mean to say, who cares? People die. Older people die first. Its just normal right. Sad but no big deal. Get over it. Well actually it is huge and ...