Avoidance is futile

By Saturday, September 8, 2012 0 Permalink

I have been getting by quite well of late.  Almost upbeat in many ways. Then this evening I was channel hopping on television and I saw that the Tom Ford directed ' A Single Man' was on. This film my boyfriend and I went to see when it was released in 2009 and at the time I found it moving and beautiful. I had not seen it again since. Colin Firth deserved more accolades for his portrayal in the film of a man left grief stricken by the sudden death of his long term partner. I consider it to be his best work, and Tom Ford really should do more directing as he is clearly a great talent. Both style and substance done well is a rare combination. Could I watch this? Why must Colin Firth resemble my boyfriend so much? Did I want to watch this? My finger hovered over the remote. As I left ...

Happy Birthday Darling

By Thursday, May 31, 2012 0 Permalink

It was my boyfriend's birthday yesterday. I knew it was coming. I warned some friends. They were subtle and didn't mention it, but casually dropped me an email or text more often than usual. In the end I was fine. Revising for some exams is keeping me more than occupied and I feel that it is his positivity that is keeping me focused and motivated at this stressful time. As I am not one for self discipline,  so I feel sure that this is what it must be. I have mentioned before that grief creeps up on you or jumps out at the most bizarre times. Of course I sat and chewed the end of my pen for a moment and remembered that last year I took him to the Ivy for a charming birthday surprise which we both enjoyed, and I pondered what I might have surprised him with this year. It feels odd that I ...

Widow’s Weeds

By Wednesday, March 7, 2012 0 Permalink

I am trying on suits and dresses. I do not own much black. It is especially draining when one looks so gaunt and sad. Which I do. When I was a child we wore cloaks at school (very quaint school) and I often floated around pretending to be the Scottish Widow or some fictional dramatic damsel. Not sure that would be apt for tomorrow. Though it would solve a wardrobe dilemma and provide a solution for our changeable weather. I think I should write a new dictionary for terms not catered for. Adult orphan. And now, Unmarried widow. I find myself not only alone and lonely but also completely unlabelled. On one hand I have no legal standing, no label, no real status. Yet I have lost my other half. I have no future plans as most of them involved him. And if I am being honest, instigated by him. I receive sympathy cards and calls and ...

Maslenitsa

By Sunday, February 26, 2012 0 Permalink

I thought I had lost everyone and nothing further could happen. Never underestimate the universe. Since writing last I have suffered the tragic loss of my partner of 4 years. The man who mended me in the aftermath of losing my father, who cared for me when I lost my mother and gave me the courage to be myself and follow my passions. The grief of losing a partner is very very different from that of losing parents. I have great clarity and lucidity on the matter at present and am trying desperately to ensure I remain the person he held me up to be and not turn into an embittered, resentful Miss Havisham figure. If someone has for four years taught you how to function as an emotional being and taught you to love yourself and life then it would be more than an insult to trash that. Being totally alone without your ...