‘For Rufus’

This evening I came home to a chilly apartment, no light on, no radio on and more importantly, no chirping cockatiel pottering about in his cage waiting for me to let him out for an amble. Instead, I put the key in the door and heard no sound and entered with dread, because I knew that this morning I had held Rufus, this little being who had been in my life for 24 years, in my hands as he died. I knew that I would have to face this reality now and man up to do what was needed. To do it not with maudlin self pity but with love. If I have learnt anything the last few years, it is that death is about love, not misery. It took me a while, and A LOT of bereavements, and I won't lie, I feel just awful, but it is only love and empathy which ...

‘The Seven Year Itch’

No, not that kind of seven year itch. Sexless and/or loveless marriages are not high on my list of things to discuss right now. This seven year itch is my reference to the bored feeling I am currently experiencing. Nothing worse than being bored is there? As my parents used to say though, bored people are boring. So thats's nice, I'm boring as well! But really, nothing in the world is as boring as bereavement. Believe me. So, what exactly am I bored of? Missing people. Not crying over them. Not reflecting. Just bored of not being able to chat and laugh with the people who knew me best and let me be me. Bored at not being able to phone or text them, bored that they aren't at home waiting for me, bored of having no one to go to places with and even bored of not being able to just to bounce ideas off ...

‘Tomorrow is Tuesday’

By Monday, December 31, 2012 0 Permalink

So, I am guessing you were expecting something wise and deeply profound on New Year's Eve after my tumultuous year. Well, you can have soppy sentimentality instead. It is so easy to become reflective at times like this. We are instilled with misplaced optimism for a fresh new start and a quest to break with all that has gone before. No pressure then! Often at New Year we look back on the year and look at what was bad and hope for a better one next year. It is very easy to see all that was wrong or sad but not so often to see what was good. It would be incredibly easy for me to have written off countless years where tragedy has hit and say that year was my 'annus horribilis'. In 2002, I spent NYE in bed as I was unable to walk terribly well. I had been in a fairly nasty car ...

Avoidance is futile

By Saturday, September 8, 2012 0 Permalink

I have been getting by quite well of late.  Almost upbeat in many ways. Then this evening I was channel hopping on television and I saw that the Tom Ford directed ' A Single Man' was on. This film my boyfriend and I went to see when it was released in 2009 and at the time I found it moving and beautiful. I had not seen it again since. Colin Firth deserved more accolades for his portrayal in the film of a man left grief stricken by the sudden death of his long term partner. I consider it to be his best work, and Tom Ford really should do more directing as he is clearly a great talent. Both style and substance done well is a rare combination. Could I watch this? Why must Colin Firth resemble my boyfriend so much? Did I want to watch this? My finger hovered over the remote. As I left ...